wondering....

i've been wondering for the past couple of days. what was it that screwed it up? was it just not the right timing? i don't know. i always believed that faith put two people together. so if we met in the wrong place during the wrong time, then why did something so magical happen?

deep in my mind, i can't help but wonder - was it someone else? i've never visited your work place, i never truly got to know your place of work or who you hanged out with after you got your new job. yet i trusted you when you said "no". but now my mind is in a wondering type of mode and it just makes me think like that.

i wondered if i could have done something different. if so, what? i never truly knew what was on your mind, i always wanted to know because if i don't know, how can i help you?

sometimes i wondered, why don't you talk to me about what you think? the reply all the time was "i don't know". and i always wondered why? why is it that those are always your words of response to my questions?

3 years, yet we've never been that 'together' out of those 3 years. yet, we were close. at least i felt that way about you. i felt that i knew you and that i knew how it was going to be and how i was going to bring something to your life. yet, i didn't except that. i was wrong in the end. maybe i always were?

a friend raised the question - what it the right thing for you to do? i wonder and ponder that question all day and night now. i wonder if it was the right thing to do. if i had just kept my mouth shut, pretended that the discussion was over before the ride home, things would have been the way that it was.

calling you after work, talking to you on the phone, making fun of you and you make fun of me. stupid jokes, funny jokes, unfunny jokes.... it would have been the same and like old times. hanging out with you. a movie with you. dinner and lunch with you. it would have been the same. so was it the right decision? did i make the right choice that day, in the cool sunny field.

i will always be wondering....