wondering....

i've been wondering for the past couple of days. what was it that screwed it up? was it just not the right timing? i don't know. i always believed that faith put two people together. so if we met in the wrong place during the wrong time, then why did something so magical happen?

deep in my mind, i can't help but wonder - was it someone else? i've never visited your work place, i never truly got to know your place of work or who you hanged out with after you got your new job. yet i trusted you when you said "no". but now my mind is in a wondering type of mode and it just makes me think like that.

i wondered if i could have done something different. if so, what? i never truly knew what was on your mind, i always wanted to know because if i don't know, how can i help you?

sometimes i wondered, why don't you talk to me about what you think? the reply all the time was "i don't know". and i always wondered why? why is it that those are always your words of response to my questions?

3 years, yet we've never been that 'together' out of those 3 years. yet, we were close. at least i felt that way about you. i felt that i knew you and that i knew how it was going to be and how i was going to bring something to your life. yet, i didn't except that. i was wrong in the end. maybe i always were?

a friend raised the question - what it the right thing for you to do? i wonder and ponder that question all day and night now. i wonder if it was the right thing to do. if i had just kept my mouth shut, pretended that the discussion was over before the ride home, things would have been the way that it was.

calling you after work, talking to you on the phone, making fun of you and you make fun of me. stupid jokes, funny jokes, unfunny jokes.... it would have been the same and like old times. hanging out with you. a movie with you. dinner and lunch with you. it would have been the same. so was it the right decision? did i make the right choice that day, in the cool sunny field.

i will always be wondering....

good time and bad days

to that person -

first of all i just want to say that for the past 3 years or so, you have been my world. i really cared about you and your life. i wanted to be the person that made you smile and the person that you can talk to when times are tough and rough. i guess those days are over. today was one of the happiest and sadist days of my life, because today was the day that i got to hang out with you and it was also the day that we laugh, cried, and got mad and angry at each other.

i never knew what you had on your mind and i know that sometimes, you felt some pressure from me. and for that i'm truly sorry. sorry to have you feel that way and sorry that i should have known better.

i just want to say that for the 3 years that we've been together, it was a blast, it was fun, it was surreal. i wish today never happened, but i also wished today had happen because it was the only way for the two of us to move on with our lives.

i just want to let you know that in my heart, there is a place for you, always. i loved you with all my heart. my heart is broken because of what happened, yes, i am a bit mad as well, but i guess that is just life. however, i will also cherish the moments when we had the good times, those were golden memories, and in my mind, i never forget a single detail and i'll never truly forget you.

i will also wonder what would have been or what could have happened from today forward. i hope that you will be the best person that you can be, you said that i was wonderful and great. well, i hope you find someone that is more wonderful and more great than i was. i just wished that one person.... would have been me.

i want to say your name but unfortunately, i can't, and i understand, i still care and love you with my heart. perhaps the feelings will fade after a period of time. but i think memories and feelings will be just recalled when i think of you.

please, remember that you, yourself is a great person, no matter what you think of yourself. i know the true, and that was the true - what i just said. you have been nothing good to me. and yes, you cared for me.

today i said a lot of things that were just out of hate, i think you realized that when i apologized to you with tears in my eyes. i never meant to hurt you at all, ever. sometimes people say things that they don't really mean in the heat of the moment, and today, we had a lot of heated moments.

i know this will never probably come true, but perhaps one day, god, buddha, or whatever, will see that we were meant for each other and that, with my fullest heart, i wish that we can be together for reals one day in the future.

you are my only sunshine, the reason that i smile and laugh and cry. i miss you already, i love you still.

if i had one wish, i'd wish that we can make it work again, no bullshit, no games, no nonsense, no distractions, just me and you, in love. but i guess i would have to wait or wish for that to be true everyday. i hope you understand my feelings and that when i say you are a great and good person, that i meant it, truly, meant every single word of it.

with love from his heart,

sam

lying to myself

damn, i think my body is not ready for what is to come but i believe my brain knows is ready for it. or is it the other way around? i see it coming, it's pretty obvious. is it going to be pretty? probably not.

i have certain scenarios that i see in my mind when i picture it happening. but it's probably not going to be anything like what i see.

i think it was time waste. wether or not it was considered long or short by some, it was time wasted.

but in the end i think it was what it was meant to be. didn't have the heart nor the passion for it.

again the question is, what is my passion and where is my heart? somehow, i think i will never know what my passion will be.

i don't think i ever gave much heart into what i'm doing including school and work. this also leads to probably little to no motivation. never motivated at work, well, at least not here in LA because, why bother? which ever way is the wrong way to go about the procedure and i get screwed over when i do right or wrong. why even bother to do anything extra when you are disgruntled yet still get paid the same when having the same amount of energy - zero.

the question now is not why but when.